I want to say goodbye to this life. That sounds bad. Not this life in general. But this life, specifically. In this location, within this context and these people. I want to not be bored on this couch on this dreary day. I want to have brushed my teeth today and I want my hand to not smell like cigarettes and bad sex that I didn't even want to have.
In the last week I have had sex with two people that I did not want to have sex with. Both times, the possibility of having sex with these people hadn't even crossed my mind until something struck me about their behavior and I realized; it was on their mind. And at that point I couldn't say no. Not because I wanted or needed sex. But because I didn't have the self-control or the power to say no. I couldn't say "I am uninterested in romantic partnership in any form, instead the entirety of my thoughts are consumed by the self and the progress that I am or am not making. And so, tonight, I am opting out of having sex with you. Thank you." I couldn't conceptualize those feelings instantly. I was too overwhelmed by this feeling that I am supposed to WANT to have sex ALL THE TIME. I am supposed to have this PRIMAL NEED for sex that I simply do not have. I just did not have the gall to say no - due to weak character.
Self-control. This is currently the theme of my life. I read this article on Psychology Today that describes self-control as a muscle that can either be strengthened with exercise or exhausted and depleted from stress or overuse. I don't know where I fall on that scale and I don't know how to approach this exercise. Somewhere else, this author presents two types of people: the abstainer and the moderator. I am the abstainer. I cannot achieve moderation. I can only be successful by abstaining. But isn't that how I exhaust my self-control? Because it's so black and white for me. I'm either abstaining, or I completely lose the ability to control myself and I'm having sex with people I don't want to have sex with left and right.
Oh, fuck it. Maybe I'll feel fine if I just shower. What can wash away my sins? A shower!
1 comment:
Chad! I just read your blog! I know it was a long time ago, but I am trying to revive my blog or create a new one (Again) and I came across a comment you left and I read your blog and maybe I read it all those years ago, but it sooooo resonated with me today! How weird. I know. It's just the self-control muscle and trying to exercise it and not being able to say no to sex when you really don't want to because you're just supposed to want sex all the time! Yes! And a lot of times I do, if I go long periods without, but right now I'm totally in that space, just as you described, where I just want to work on myself and my shit and I don't want a romantic partner of any kind or in any form, and I don't know how to just say no. Guh. Anyway, I hope you're well and I miss you! I still think about that night when it was my birthday and i was super drunk and all I wanted to do was watch True Blood with you and Stefanie all night long but it didn't happen because my sweetie was mad and called cuz I told him I was gonna come home. I still wish that had happened.
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