Sick and Tired

Hi. It's me. I'm blogging. I'm gonna blog again. I think. It will probably be different this time. I probably won't be funny. Or whatever. I'm just going to write. I don't know who or if anyone will read this. I won't advertise it. I'm just going to write. To a made up audience.

I used to write a lot. Just, like, journaling or blogging. And I never realized how useful a tool it was to me until I haven't been doing it for a while now. I miss it. It's a much different process to write what I'm dealing with than to just think about what I'm dealing with. It somehow officiates the process of dealing, coping. Hell, why don't we just simply call the process processing. Writing it all out strengthens the inner-life, as Stefanie said. I thrive on a rich inner-life.

I've wanted to start journaling again for a long time, but it's different now. Cause I'm older and wiser and more private and don't necessarily want my business to be everyone else's. So I could journal privately, like with a pen and paper at home. Or even on the computer, in a Word document. Or in private Livejournal entries. But that isn't as satisfying to me. There is something about having an audience that feels good, puts whatever I'm writing about to rest, wraps it all up. Maybe it's being a part of the internet/computer generation. Being raised and trained and socialized on the internet. It's like how people who are really into cooking have their family recipes. They were taught to cook something a specific way and they just keep doing it because that's how their mother or father did it, and how their mother or father's mother or father did it. Not that my mother or father can communicate clearly on the internet, but this is how I learned to communicate my thoughts. Not even communicate, but just express in general.

I've been trying to cook more lately. I shouldn't even say more. I've been trying to cook lately. I've been making a lot of vegetables. My favorite vegetables right now are brussel sprouts, asparagus, and yams. I've also been cooking a lot of seafood. Salmon, scallops, I even made mussels the other day. I can't say that I made a significant effort to start doing this, it just kinda happened. Like my sister said the other day, “In order to change, we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired.” I totally am! I spent this whole winter being miserable. I don't know if I was depressed, but I wasn't happy. Oh no. I slept all day, woke up hungover every day, barely ate, hated my job, fought with my bosses, and just dreaded everything. And then something happened. Something snapped! I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I had no other option but to change. I started staying in, or going out and not drinking, or not getting drunk. I started waking up earlier, and making lunch, and being friendly at work. People started commenting on how I looked good, I seemed different, happier, funnier. Do you know what I think was happening? I think my actual personality was starting to come out! This is how I actually am, people! Clever, funny, nice! Who knew?

I've been trying to change for a long time. I've been struggling with it for a long time. I'm still struggling with it. But it's like my sister said, "the change doesn’t stick until you’re so sick and tired of being sick and tired that you physically/mentally/emotionally/spiritually can’t go back to your old self." I wonder if this is the point I've reached.

So this is what I'm going to do now. I'm going to pretend like people are reading this. And I'm going to write.